The Entry
Wow! It's been awhile since I've posted on this thing. Hmmm, what to say? What to say? Things have been hectic lately. I'm trying to keep up with all my school work and it's hard. These online courses are just so easy to toss aside and forget about, but I know I need to keep trying, so I can get good grades this semester. Most of you probably know. Bianca and I broke up awhile back; somewhere around the end of September. It's all good though. We still hang out alot. Lately, she has been acting really different towards me. I don't know how to act sometimes. She acts like she wants me to move on, but sometimes she acts like the opposite. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. I do love her very much still, but like I said. She's very confusing at times. I gave her a ring for Christmas. It was to symbolize my love for her and to promise that we would get back together some day. We got into a fight the Sunday before this one and things were said, feelings were hurt, and I guess I sorta got physical. Not really physical. I dunno. She told me she hated me because she wanted some help with her homework. (I usually always help her with her homework and sometimes end up doing it for her) I wasn't complaining about that or anything for that matter. I just wanted her to do it on her own with some help on the side. So she came over and I was playing a game. She got mad, told me she hated me, and walked out on me. The whole hating me thing made me angry because I mean cmon. Hate is a strong word. I never hate anyone. I dislike people, but she told me she hated me. Ehhh, long story short. She didn't talk to me for the entire week and it was terrible. I tried calling and calling, but she didn't answer. Finally, I got ahold of her and she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore which tore me up inside. I do love her so much still and as I said before I wish things could go back to the way things were. I talked to her about it. Things being different now and she told me it's because she's more mature. Why do you have to be more mature? Because you're getting older? Does that mean you have to change who you are? Does that mean you have to feel like you have to impress other people? What happened to when that didn't matter? What happened to when we didn't care about anything except eachother? Things seemed to have changed overnight. I guess I didn't get the memo saying that we shouldn't care or love for eachother anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in Korea by myself. I moved here for her. Because I wanted to be with her always. And then when I came here, she lost interest in me and moved on. But here I am, still the same Jian as before. Still the same one stuck on her. Always. She always accuses me of liking other girls. It's true sometimes. I try to date other people, but that's only because she says it's what she wants me to do. And what do I always do? I try to make her happy. I feel that if I can make her happy. I'll be happy. But I'm not. I know this is kind of long and if I asked her to, she probably wouldn't read any of it. If she doesn't read any of this, I hope that she'll read one thing. Bianca, I still love you very much so and I hope you know that. You might feel different now, but I'm always going to love you. You were my first true love and you always will be my first. I'm going to miss you so very much when I go back to Korea for the summer. I'm gonna miss you when you goto Murfreesboro for college. Gahh, I'm going crazy. My head is full of so many things to say, but no way to say them. I suppose I should make a list. - I'm always thinking of you. When you ask me why I act differently in front of other people when you call me, it's only because when I talk to you, I want to dedicate my entire self to you. It's hard for me to do that when other people are distracting me. Trust me. I hate it. I just want them to go away so I can talk to you.
- You told me you thought that you should give me my ring back. Why? I love it when you wear my ring. When you say it doesn't symbolize anything anymore, it sounds like you're giving up on me. Why? I haven't given up on you. Sure, I might say stuff like you're acting childish sometimes, but why do you feel the need to give up on me so quickly? Is there someone better out there for you? Someone who you think is going to understand you better? Love you more? What do I have to do to show you? I've completely disregarded any advice anyone has ever given me about you. Everyone has told me to stop talking to you, but I told them I can't do that. That I love you too much.
- Please don't talk to me about guys you're talking to or doing things with. I'm pretty sure you know it kills me to hear about you doing stuff with other guys. The only reason I say stuff about other girls is because you talk about guys first and I feel like I have nothing to come back with. I'm so confused at this point of what I should do. You keep trying to push me away and I don't understand why. Even though we aren't together anymore, I still want to be your best friend. It's hard sometimes JUST being that, but I'd rather have that, than nothing at all. I don't understand why you give up so easily. Bleh. So much on my mind. I don't know what to do. I was talking to my parents and I think I might join the active Coast Guard, move to California and goto college there. Then at least it would be paid for, so I wouldn't have to have my dad pay for my college. I never wanted my dad to pay for my college. I always told myself that he wouldn't and yet here he is. Sending me checks for 3,000$ every semester. I feel horrible. So I guess the big question on my mind is... What am I going to do with my life?
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The Music
Currently Thinking of: From First To Last - Emily
http://www.fromfirsttolast.com Lyrics
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